Monday, 15 March 2010

Monday's Musings...{a sad, sad story}



My doctor committed suicide 5 days ago with a bullet to the head. Rather dramatic, and in his rooms too...Of course it is the talk of the town & for many a subject of morbid curiosity but it has literally seeped into my thoughts countless times daily due to the shock of it all & the fact that I had a very close relationship with him, closer than most people realise, because I have a couple of ongoing conditions that I don't generally discuss, that require regular visits. My daughter has also had a number of recent health complaints that he has been monitoring for the past few months, my son has been "in the wars" with sports injuries for the last few months & my littlest refuses to see another doctor as she only likes him...

Despite only having lived here for 4 years we met him 6 years ago as I needed to see him on both of our holidays here before we actually moved here, and the amount of times I've visited him as a patient {or the mother of one} are literally now countless. I have had a hard time processing his death. I have heard stories of all the reasons behind what happened, things that I of course new nothing of before. What has made it so hard to comprehend is that he was perfect. Young, very handsome, immaculately groomed {yes all the girls fancied him...} & totally professional, always on call & never faultering in his amiable approach, constant interest & genuine efficiency. Add to that a beautiful wife & 2 gorgeous "Miss Pears" type little girls & a fancy car - he "had it all". Clearly not...

What I've learnt is that we don't know anything about other people, no matter what all the "trimmings" tell us. Also that suicide is an irresponsible & immature act. Despite feeling very upset, saddened, physically ill in fact, at the heartbreak he obviously felt & the gruesomeness of it all I think, 5 days later, that I have my head around it now. Life is hard, basically for everyone, no matter how much money we have or what our cicumstances, we have to wake up every day & "die to self", put other's needs first, put our needs on hold & at times it can just feel like "going through the motions" but that's life. His problems weren't new to the world, millions of other people had experienced them before & come through the other side. All his death has done is cause more heartbreak & give his surgery a notorious reputation for which I suspect his other partners will not appreciate.

My final deduction is that perfectionism was behind his actions. He couldn't bear for the world to know that all wasn't right in his world & hated the fact that he couldn't control what was happening in his life. Welcome to reality! People fail us daily, just as we fail them...we can't be held responsible for other people's actions & sometimes knowing that someone doesn't "have it all together" is endearing & makes that person more approachable & less intimidating.

So it's been tough...so much to work through & come to terms with...but at the end of it all, it's just a terrible tragedy & waste of an intelligent mind. And it doesn't stop there, the reasons behind it are such that others are involved who may now act rashly too, which would be even more disastrous, so I can only hope to God that the ramifications are minimised.

What worthwhile thing have I learnt from the whole horrid ordeal? I'm thankful to come home every day to a peaceful home filled with love & genuine affection. We're not perfect. We disagree, argue, fight even. Disappoint each other. Disappoint our children & vice versa. But at the end of the day, whatever the issue, we deal with it, work through it & accept each other as the non-perfect beings that we are.



With everything I needed to remember to take on our road trip this weekend I forgot all about music for the journey. Jack handed me a couple of *dodgy* house-music CD's on my way out the door but fortunately I discovered I had my "Fearless" CD by Taylor Swift still in my shuttle. Cami loves a lot of her songs too so between us we had a good sing along for a good few hours there AND back. This song "Breathe" really resonated with me under the circumstances. Great lyrics & pretty apt for how I was feeling at the time, not that they made me feel better but I think they helped me process my grief & eventually get everything into perspective.

Without wanting to come across as selfish I am also distressed at the position my family is now in as we depended on "the doc" for so much, me especially, as I felt completely at ease discussing anything & everything with him & am not relishing the thought of establishing that relationship all over again...


8 comments:

topkatnz said...

so true - suicide leaves such a terrible mark on all those left behind. but, puts so much in perspective. hugs hx

Diana said...

So why did he do it? What was it that wasn't so perfect? I hope I'm not coming across as prurient, but I always wonder what drives people to drastic actions of any sort--I always learn something from it. (You can tell me in an email if you want.)
I do feel for you though. I'm sure there are a lot of other patients out there also feeling similarly.
And yes, nothing is ever perfect. Everyone has their crosses to bear.

Shayne said...

Suicide for me is a selfish act - an easy way out for them but what about the people they leave behind? Cowardly.

I hope you manage to find another great doc - it'll be a touch adn go for a while till you feel relaxed enough to sit down and discuss all with another.

xx

Jenny in Durbs said...

Suicide is desperation & those left behind are always going to be haunted by it. I hope you find a really great doc. I think no matter what happens if you believe & trust in God and have a family for support - thats all you need. I really like that you have a haven to come home to & LOL we also fight, disagree, laugh, love and go through ups & downs but i love & trust my family unconditionally. (Easier said than done sometimes LOL). Hope you have a really good week.

Lynette said...

I guess we can never judge another's actions...nobody know what went through his mind in the end, how desperate his situation must have been to him. Sometimes I get the idea that there is a very fine line between sanity and going over the edge. Only the Lord knows what his state of mind was at the time. I feel terribly sad for his wife and children...they are the ones that will suffer because of his actions.

teacher jessy said...

Oh so sorry to hear bout ur doc's death! These days there are so many stress out there that causes ppl to take their life away. But taking ur own
life will never solve anything. Do hope that his wife & children are doing ok.

Michelle Ramsay said...

That is terrible and I do hope you find another great man to help you all. While I also say that suicide is such a selfish act, one always wonders what was so desparate that a person had to take their life and leave loved ones behind?? I suppose we will never know. But, no matter how bad things are, they can get better if you let them.

Helen Tilbury said...

Hmmm...thanks for all your condolences & thoughts...such a tough one to fathom & such a great shame...just terrible that there is nowhere to go when you are feeling that low...Having heard what you all had to say {some via e mail} I'm more sympathetic to it now actually. I do see it as selfish & cowardly as well but that's because I'm not depressed or dealing with the issues that he had, which would have been unbearable for me to face too, though I know that I'll never do that...I don't think I can face going back there though & walking down that passage to see the other 2 there {nice guys but not the same easy to talk to types as he was...} as he was always waiting outside the door to welcome me in - I just can't ever go there again so I feel so sorry for them too as I'm sure all his regulars will feel that way & it may severely affect the profitability of their practice. Just lose/lose all round really...